For the past few weeks or so, I have been in a place that feels like the weakest time in my faith, yet, with the conviction that this time will bring the opposite of weakness. It will be something new for me, as I haven’t been there yet, and I am in process of transformation. I have been arguing with God, the first week of this process, giving him my organic attitude on things in my life; I asked him to be normal. Normal for me meant to be like others… to have easier life in a worldly sense, to watch what others watch, to have someone special… but mostly I wanted my friends to see me as someone who is like them, someone who has problems, is weak and lonely at times and above all things, is not perfect or holy. Then I realized that I was so upset about all things in my life, because I realized that my life was not my own. I realized that I have been living not like the world, but according to God’s will, as much as I could discern it. YES! this made me more upset at God! I was screaming and crying! I wanted to leave that lifestyle, without leaving him. Then I realized that he already lives in me and even if I fall, he is falling with me. It is too late to simply walk away. I have told him over and over in my life that I love him, and he has been faithful to my promises, even though I may not always be faithful to his.Then I was upset about my faith, which allows me to always love God and stay with him, being able to give him my organic attitude and go to all places with him. At the same time I was happy that I was still safe, because he was with me. I was afraid at some point that I would die; because of the deceptive thoughts which entered my heart and tried to tell me that I don’t need God. I am ashamed of that. Couple weeks after this, I realized that before this all started; I was praying that God would kill my pride. Simple as that. I prayed for humility. I knew that he would answer my prayer, because he always does but I didn’t know the way it was going to come to me and how long it would take. I asked him to kill my pride and he brought to the surface my ugly attitudes that I didn’t know I had toward him and myself. He exposed them not only to me, but first to others. My friends got to see the real me… the rebellious heart… selfish heart… controlling desires… the wild black dog that is inside of me and can bite. How much normal can one get? I wanted a normal life and now I have it… I am broken, I don’t dare to hide my problems anymore, my friends see that I am not that perfect as we thought, and I get to become a bit humble…I can breathe easier… God is killing my pride, taking away my religiosity and desires to be a youth pastor or a preacher… I even don’t think I can preach anymore… it is so great to give it all to him and be free!
I love God. I will always love God. I now want to love people, starting with one person a day. Just one… if I can do that I am the greatest youth leader there ever was and live out the best sermon I could ever give! If I only love people! so.. 'what if is stumble? is this one for the people, or is this one for the Lord?' [dc talk-song]
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